So Uncool

I haven't done a happy list in a while, so I thought I'd do one in honor of almost Thanksgiving (and since on the actual Thanksgiving Day, what will make me the happiest is a turkey that gets done in time and isn't dry, and that the kid herd doesn't completely destroy my house). This isn't exactly a "What I'm Grateful For" list; more like a "What Gives Me the Happies Right Now List." Or maybe they are the same thing?

Happies, In No Particular Order

1. Lists
2. Knitting
3. Getting a letter of acceptance to the San Jose State graduate school of Library and Information Sciences online program
4. Cello
5. Successfully working to learn the math I couldn't handle in high school (I guess there is something to be said for the aging brain, after all!)
6. Philosophy Stuff (reading Star Wars and Philosophy at the moment)
7. Star Wars Stuff (just bought R2D2 and C3PO action figures for my collection, and am planning my annual Star Wars marathon weekend for next month)
8. Literary Analysis--am reading various thoughts on William Gibson's Pattern Recognition, and that's been interesting
9. Rereading the Discworld books
10. Kids' conferences went fine yesterday, no horrible surprises (and no negative behavior reports!)
11. I got my closet all cleaned out and organized
12. Now that I've been accepted to an online program, I have an excuse to buy an aircard
13. I do not have to bake pies for tomorrow, because I've assigned the pie-making to the grandmas of the family

I had my last cello lesson with the substitute teacher yesterday. I really learned a lot from her. This isn't to say that my regular teacher isn't a good one, but that I found experiencing another perspective and another style for a while to be very useful. I feel like I've learned a lot in the past few weeks. I learned a second octave of some of the scales I had already learned, and I learned how to play a harmonic, which is very cool. She also had some useful tips on string crossings, although I am still finding those difficult. I think one thing she did particularly well was make me feel like I was doing great, no matter what. I will miss that, but as an adult learner, I suppose that's something I can provide for myself.
My last song was Moon Over the Ruined Castle, very dark and moody, but also very short and simple to play. My assignment for this week is Witches Dance, which is a lot harder and has some rhythmic things that are going to really challenge me! I am not having a lesson next week due to Thanksgiving, but I am going to have two the following week, on Monday and Friday. This gives me some extra time to work on Witches Dance, but it also means that any mistakes I'm making are going to be more entrenched.
I am kind of feeling tired of being a beginner at everything, at my age and stage of life. Sometimes I wonder how I ever got this far without developing expertise in any area? But then, I know that depression and abuse are the greatest robbers of self that there are, and it isn't just that I'm some kind of spectacular loser. I kind of feel like Sleeping Beauty, only the rest of the castle wasn't put to sleep when I fell under the evil spell. And I aged while I was "sleeping." And there is no prince coming to wake me up, I have to do that myself. And the evil witch is still lurking around. And I am no beauty.
Well, okay, maybe I don't feel like Sleeping Beauty, after all. I need to reread my fairy tales. And probably Women Who Run with the Wolves, too. That is such an excellent book.

I made Jamal a hat and mittens, to use up the green yarn rejected by my niece. He's away on a road trip with his father right now, so it feels good to know he is wearing the hat and mittens I made him. It makes me feel not so far away from him.
I'm making another hat to try out a new pattern called "Train Tam" that I found at cosymakes. Sarah picked it out, and I'm trying it in some gray wool and acrylic worsted weight yarn I bought years ago, but then never knitted into anything. Sarah wants a purple, or a gray and purple, but I wanted to try the pattern before I buy new yarn for it. So far it looks good! I did have dropped stitch drama going on this morning, but I have fixed that and things are going well. I'm about ready to start the decrease rounds and finish it off. Here's how things look so far:

"They have not wanted peace at all; they have wanted to be spared war--as though the absence of war was the same as peace." Dorothy Thompson, Journalist, Chosen by Time Magazine in 1939 as one of the two most influential women of the year.

I know this has been true in my personal life. I have thought I wanted peace, but what I have really wanted, and actively sought, has been absence of conflict. In the long run, this has meant that my life lacks peace, serenity, and contentment. I am not sure what this means for me; do I need to be willing to fight battles in order to achieve peace? But war solves nothing; I firmly believe that to be true on the political level. Is it also true on the personal level? I know that standing up for myself, and refusing to take on responsibilities that are not mine is the right thing to do. I just have so much trouble doing it, when it means fighting a battle.
I feel so battle weary at this point in my life. I have been avoiding conflict at the cost of personal peace my whole life, as long as I can remember, and honestly, I don't think I know how to do anything else. I am trying to learn, and trying to gather up the courage to do it. But right now I just feel lost. If the thing I have always done isn't right, then what do I do next?

     Years and years ago--in 1983, actually, I ran across a page in Ms. Magazine called "A Gift to My Daughter." The author said she was "translating the classics," changing the male pronouns to female ones. The page quoted a few "translated" passages. They had a powerful effect on me. You'd probably have to know just how anti-feminist--anti-female, really--my upbringing was to understand how what a profound impact such a simple thing had on me.
     Ever since then, sometimes when I read something, I do my own gender translation. I still find it quite powerful and interesting.
     Anyway, I bring this up because I have been exploring some feelings I have of not being seen--feeling invisible. And I thought of Ralph Ellison's The Invisible Man. And then found this quote:
But, for this to work for me, right now, I want a translation. So, here it is, translated:

     Ups

• Cello practice has been going really well this week, and the substitute teacher is wonderful.
• I've managed to stop talking about the trivial stuff to my therapist, and have begun talking about what's really bothering me.
• I have two new pairs of Swedish clogs that are cute and comfortable, and fit my hard-to-fit feet perfectly.
• I get to sleep in tomorrow morning.
• I ordered The Color of Magic by Terry Pratchett from Amazon so that I can begin rereading the Discworld series, and it should be here by Friday.
• I was honest with a new friend about something difficult, and she was completely understanding and kind to me about it.
• I did some very needed tidying up in my house, and although there is a lot more to be done, even that feels good.
• I went to a fundraiser a couple of nights ago, and got to bring home the flowers that were on the tables, so now I have a bouquet of carnations on my coffee table.
• I had chocolate ice cream tonight.
• I bought a beautiful brown wool yarn to knit into a pair of socks.

Downs

•  I've stopped talking about the trivial stuff to my therapist, and have begun talking about what's really bothering me. This is making me feel really sad.
• I am ducking a friend's phone calls even though he's a really nice guy, because the phone makes me uncomfortable and I am already feeling anxious in general. And he has begun to notice that I am ducking his calls.
• I told my son that he could spend the night at his friend's house on Friday night, and this is the friend whose mother is a lesbian. I am so not looking forward to the fight I'll have with my homophobic husband about this. It makes me so angry that I have to deal with such bigotry. And of course he'll justify his feelings with religion, and make me out to be wrong. Ick.
• My house needs a lot more cleaning. I really feel best in a clean house.
• I had my glasses adjusted again, and they're still driving me nuts.
• I messed up and knitted Jamal's mitten too large. I don't feel like starting over, so I'll be knitting the second one large to match. Grrr. Not that he minds, though.

     So I managed to make the ups outnumber the downs, but tonight the downs are feeling heavier than the ups. I think the impending fight over the sleepover is probably the biggest down right now, closely followed by all the sadness that is being brought up in therapy the last two sessions. The biggest up? Probably, still, the cello.

     It's been a rough few months for the cello, but I am still taking lessons. My regular teacher is on a tour, so I have a sub. I have had one lesson with her, and I really like her. I'm working on another Bach piece, probably my favorite so far. It's Bach's Musette from English Suite No. 3, from the Suzuki book. I should be doing better with it than I am, but I am having trouble making myself practice when my husband is home. Why, I don't know. I just like the house to be empty so I can focus, and it never is.
     Still, I am learning. Right now I'm working on string crossings and still working with extensions. I am still enjoying this, although my struggles with my new glasses are making reading the music somewhat of a challenge. Even though I am not where I want to be with this piece, I am feeling less frustrated with the cello in general. I'm sure as soon as the teacher points out some glaring problem, I'll be right back in frustrated mode again, though.
     I've been knitting a lot lately, and it helps when I build up too much tension in my shoulders and hands from cello practice, to stop and knit for a few minutes. I find knitting calming. I did get some practice in today but then a friend of mine called and needed to talk, so my practice time got cut short. Then I tried again later on, but some work things came up that I had to take care of, and then it was time for kids to need dinner, and that was that.
     Tomorrow is my lesson, and I don't feel ready for it, but I'm sure I'll get something out of it anyway.

     I have new glasses. This is the second set of progressive lenses I've ever had. The first time I got progressive lenses, three years ago, I was warned that they take some adjustment, that they don't work for everyone, and that I would need to allow myself to get used to them before I gave up on them. Well, when I slipped on that first pair, they were perfect. I didn't feel any different than I had with the single vision lenses I'd been wearing since I was ten years old. It was great.
     Over the past several months, though, my old glasses just weren't doing the job. I wasn't sure whether it was a prescription change or whether the lenses had just become too scratched. So, I decided it was time for new ones. It turns out I did have a fairly significant prescription change. I decided to pick out new frames, too, since I'd been wearing my old ones for five years, through two sets of lenses, and I didn't want to put another set of expensive new lenses into a pair of frames that old.
     Well, it's been terrible. This time I just can't seem to get the adjustment on the progressive lenses right. I've gone back in and had the glasses adjusted twice, and today I'm having the same problem I have had since I got the glasses a week or so ago, which is that my right eye is catching the wrong part of the lens when I read. This is really frustrating. The glasses work fine for a day or so after the adjustment, and then go back into their old shape. I finally decided to go ahead and pay the exorbitant amount of money for another set of lenses in my old frames because this is just so unpleasant. I'm going to have these adjusted yet again, too, of course.  
     Insurance would be really nice to help with some of the expense, but since I don't have that ... Well, I won't get started on that rant right now (no promises for later!).  It's unbelievable how expensive glasses are.
     So, this is really uncomfortable, and I am getting tired of having to make time in my schedule to keep returning for adjustments. It's a minor complaint in the scheme of life, I know, but there it is. Glasses frustration!

     I've been on a knitting kick lately. It all started with a baby hat in honor of Infant Mortality Awareness Month (which was in September). Then I made a purple wool hat for my friend's new granddaughter. Then I made a hat for my niece.
      At first, I was going to make the hat for my niece purple with green stripes. But then my niece, who is an eight year old fashionista, let me know that purple and green weren't doing anything for her, and she requested hot pink and black, instead. Totally not my colors, but I obliged. However, that left me with two largish skeins of yarn in pink and black. So I decided to use up the rest by knitting her a scarf. (As an aside, she says she doesn't like things to match, so I made the hat pink with black stripes, and I am making the scarf black with pink stripes so they don't match! She is so funny.)
     Well, this scarf has become the scarf that never ends. I am knitting and knitting and knitting ... and the yarn just seems endless. Gee whiz, I should have made a sweater! And let me tell, you, if I thought pink and black weren't my colors to begin with, I am really sick of them now. I am determined to use this noxious stuff up and get it out of my house, so I have been spending far too much time knitting.
     And the yarn endures. Will my niece even be able to stagger around under the weight of the finished scarf?

         Jamal, my son, is playing on a flag football team. At their practice, I noticed that the coach could use some help getting the boys and girls to focus and act like a team. I also noticed that no one else was stepping forward. So, I volunteered. I am now the Assistant Coach. The interesting thing about this is that I know nothing about football. Nothing. Well, except that there are eleven players per team on the field; only, there aren't in this league, there are seven.
     But I do not know what a "down" is, do not know why the tight end is tight, or the wide receiver is wide, or what it is that the quarterback is a quarter of. I can kind of guess about linesmen and running backs, and I do get it that a touchdown is when someone runs with the ball across the goal line. I think.
     The coach mentioned cheering for both teams because they're all good kids. Actually, I cheered for neither team, because I could not tell when to cheer. I think I need to go get a book about football before our next practice on Thursday.
     Being a parent is such a learning experience, and not only in the ways I would have expected!

     I had a cello lesson on Friday. I'm still working on Bach's Minuet #3. I'm also working on the chorus from Judas Maccabeus. Both of these are in the Suzuki book. Judas Maccabeus is challenging me because it has rests. Those always get me. Bach's Minuet #3, well--geez. What can I say? My teacher advised me to slow the whole thing down to even out the tempo (she said I'm slowing down at the tricky parts) and to really watch those dotted half notes.
     I am working on E Minor scales, too. I am kind of nervous because after next Friday's lesson, my teacher is going out of town for a while, and she will have a substitute. Not only is this a new person to get used to, and a new person to play the cello badly in front of, but also my teacher warned me that everyone has their own way of playing, and not to be confused by any differing advice. Oh boy.
     Well, at least I'm enjoying playing again, when the house is empty. I am also teaching myself Greensleeves, and I bought a book of easy folk songs to try out.
     Tempo is so challenging. My teacher keeps saying to "feel the pulse of the song." So far, no luck with that. But I keep trying.

     All summer I hardly practiced my cello. I was busy with kids and camping and all that, but still--I just didn't want to, and when I did practice, I forced myself. I was feeling pretty horrified about that (both the not practicing and the feeling that I didn't want to practice). But now I see what the problem was.
       The kids have gone back to school. My husband is still home most of the time, though, since we run our business from home. But today he is gone, filling in for one of the drivers who is home sick today. And I have wanted to practice my cello; I've been having fun with it in my empty (except for me) house.
     I don't like to practice when other people are around. This is something I need to work out, because I am so rarely home by myself.

      I just started reading Karen Armstrong's new book, A Case for God. I am on page twelve, and I can already see that I am going to struggle with this book. Not because it is difficult to understand or written poorly or anything like that, but because this is such a sensitive subject for me. So far, having read the Introduction and twelve pages of the first chapter, the message she is conveying is, "Religion--you're doing it wrong." Hmm. So I presume that the rest of the book is going to tell me how to do it right.
      We'll see how that goes. Karen Armstrong is one of my favorite authors; I've read everything she's written that I could get my hands on (there's one title of hers that went out of print early on, and I have never been able to find a copy, even using my very best Googling skills). She has gone from absolute faith as a Catholic nun to nearly atheist over the course of her career. Now, it appears, religion is back in her good graces, but not in the guise in which it appears in Western societies today.
      So far my favorite book of Armstrong's has been A History of God, so much so that I have purchased it twice, once to read it, and once to replace it after someone stole it from me (no, I don't know who). I see that it is missing from my bookshelf again--I think Sarah must have it in her bedroom. Anyway, I doubt this book will measure up to that one, but I am interested to see where she takes us this time.

      Because you needed to know, right?
      It's gone. No more Nano-want. The list I wrote helped. Then I realized that my fifth generation 30 gig iPod holds my entire music collection. All of it, in one place, and portable. Yes, it lacks the beauty of the Nano. But--it works. Well. It suits my needs. I forgot that I love this thing. My whole music collection in my hand. How great is that? Sure, it looks like a dinosaur next to the Nano, but then I look like a dinosaur next to my teenage daughters, too. We go together, my iPod and I.

... and yet, this is so true: xkcd.com/451/ .

      My kids and I went to see Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs a few days ago. We all liked it. It wasn't the greatest movie ever (we all know what that one was), but it was pleasant and funny. This summer we missed hosting our Star Wars marathon, so I'm planning it for winter break. It seems far off now, but I'm sure it will get here faster than I think. I am on the fence about whether or not to include The Clone Wars. I am leaning toward not, though.
      We really ought to drink blue milk. And maybe get pizza from the Hut? Maybe we'll do costumes, although that could get dangerous, since then I would be tempted to buy myself that light saber I've had my eye on at the Star Wars store ($100--ouch!).
     When we went to see Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs we saw a preview for Avatar. It looks like a gorgeous movie. I really want to see that one, in the theater, not from Netflix. I used to go see plays, but I have discovered that I am lowbrow, and I actually prefer movies. How sad.
       I am also hearing that District 9 is good, even though the Nigerian government is angry about its portrayal of Nigerians as cannibals. This is, truly, offensive, but I might go see it anyway, unless my conscience gets the upper hand. Honestly, right now I'm so bored I just want to go see or do something--anything but stay home and clean things.

1. True love
2. Freedom to seek
3. A safe place to tell the truth
4. Writing that speaks of wonders both ordinary and beyond
5. Children who grow up decent and self-sufficient
6. Cello proficiency
7. See's chocolates

See? No iPod Nano. Not on the list. The iPhone, on the other hand ... but, no.

     Hooray, our holidays are over. At least for another seventy days, when there will be another one.
     I am worn out. Plus, yesterday I succumbed to an attack by an evil rhinovirus, which is odd because I haven't been playing with any rhinos lately. I am feeling like crap today. I was supposed to go teach people how to knit baby hats today, in honor of Infant Mortality Awareness Month, but I had to cancel. I'm knitting a little purple hat with a flower on top, anyway, at home.
     But, on Tuesday, before the virus got a stranglehold on me, I went shopping. I generally don't like shopping, except for the online kind, but I went out anyway, and bought an outfit (sorely needed--I never have anything to wear any more) and then went to the bookstore for the fun part. I bought Radiohead and Philosophy (I love the pop culture and philosophy books), Karen Armstrong's new book, The Case for God, and a book called Good Omens, coauthored by Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett, which sounds promising.
     Then I went online window shopping and am now lusting after the new iPod Nano, in orange. I will not be buying it, however, as I have a fifth generation 30 gig iPod in perfectly good working order. I will not buy the Nano. I will not. I will not.
     (Oooh, shiney!)

     It's been a long summer. Summer means kids are home, gardens need tending, and there's always something going on. On top of that, Ramadan started in August, and my cello teacher and I have had summertime schedules that haven't meshed well. All this means that cello lessons have been few and far between, and I have been a cello slacker.
     Ugh. Yes. I hate to admit it, but there it is. I did finally have a lesson on Friday. It was not pretty, but I survived. And now that the kids are out of the house again, I have practice time again. Today I have only done about forty minutes, but right now I have no stamina because of the Ramadan fasting, so I'm taking a break.
     I cannot believe it's been months, and I'm still working on the same Bach Minuet. Argh. Why can't I get this thing right? Or at least right enough? Um, apart from the obvious--lack of practicing--that is. Ah well, I've brought the metronome back into it, and hopefully I'll get it ironed out. And once Ramadan fasting is over, hopefully I'll have some energy again. There's one more week to go. Blech.
     I am not a good faster. Not at all. I get exhausted. I think it's mostly thirst, although I certainly don't enjoy being hungry. But going without water and trying to summon up the energy to go about my daily activities just doesn't work for me.
    Yesterday someone on an email list expressed that she wasn't sure whether I still fasted for Ramadan, since I am spiritually agnostic and Muslim mostly by culture. That is a good question. So, why do I fast for Ramadan?
     At this point in my life, I do it as a cultural practice rather than a religious one. My family is Muslim, and they fast, and most of my friends do too. It works for me to go with the flow and do this. Don't get me wrong, fasting isn't easy! Or fun. Or, for me, spiritual. All my life, even when I was a practicing and devout Muslim, I never found anything spiritual about fasting. Some people do, I suppose. Not me.
     If I were in a different environment, I would have to rethink fasting, although I might still opt to do it. I've been fasting for Ramadan since I was twelve years old, and old habits die hard. As it is, it just feels like the right thing for me to do, although I can't say anymore that I believe that this is a requirement from God or that I will be rewarded in any way for it in an afterlife or anything.
    We celebrate a big holiday at the end of Ramadan, and then I am really hoping life will settle down into a routine and I'll be back in my cello groove.
    

     I got a good, hard metaphorical slap upside the head tonight. I won't bother with the gritty details, but the effect is that I am doing some re-evaluation of myself. Specifically, do I really, honestly, all the time, treat others as I would want to be treated? Until tonight, I would have said yes to that question without even thinking.
     I think of myself as "nice." Sometimes, even too nice. And this is true.
     But it's not the whole truth. I can also, I realize, be pretty snotty. And I sometimes have let myself feel superior to others when they fail to meet my standards. I think it's okay to have standards, certainly for yourself, and even for others. But the feeling superior part--now, that's a problem. It leads me to act condescendingly, rather than compassionately. I am pretty clever, I think, at disguising my condescension as compassion, but I realize now that even though I had myself fooled, I probably wasn't fooling anyone else.
     I need to figure out how to feel good about myself, without needing to feel better than someone else. And I need to really think about what it means to live by the ethic of reciprocity, or the Golden Rule.
     Because that's a standard I've set for myself, and I've failed to meet it. So, at the same time that that slap is still stinging--and it really is--I am feeling grateful. Grateful, first, that it wasn't worse, because it could have been, and grateful second that this has had the effect of bringing my not-so-niceness to my awareness so that I can do something about it.
     I think I'll go to bed now. It's been quite an evening, and now that my consciousness has been raised, eight hours of unconsciousness sounds really good.